An old dog tries to teach herself new tricks
The reaction never ceases to amzes me when I bother to let my true self out in the presence of another person. Most of the people I know have watched me fake it for years so they are shocked when it turns out that when the lights are off and no one is looking, I'm a very different person than my public persona.
The public Christine I've created to scare people is a razor sharp, hawk eyed, vocal, opinioned, boiterous territorial veteran of life's battles. The private me is alot softer, fluid, nuturing and actually kind of quiet and intropective. I've been challenged since the beggining of this new decade by those close enough to me to say that they quite frankly are sick and tired of watching me fake my way thru life (Yes, Jaime F. and Denis said it that clearly)
So I've tried to make a real effort to be more genuine with those I feel I can trust, but it is hard partly because my relationship with them is based on the public version of me and they don't what to say when I'm not making rude and yet all to true comments about everything going on around us.
In the middle of this little authenisity quest, has been my new friendship with the furniture man, aka kitchen guy. He doesn't have a decade of history with me to unravel so I tried from the beggining to be myself. I still lose it when he says the words "Walmart or "Stephen Harper", but I don't make myself tougher than I really am. I'm trying out little things, like I don't actively manipulate our conversations so he tells me all his secrets, thus making him more vulnerable than me. I let myself giggle when things are funny and and when we do something together I don't spend more time later analysing it than we did doing it.
He doesn't even know that he's getting a back pass to the Christine Regnier-Gaudet show.
The really weird thing for me is how much I can tell he genuinely likes the person he sees, even if I'm not perfectly comfortable and confident and sometimes I turn my face away because I don't know what to say.
It feels so good not to spend so much energy on trying to be someone I'm really not.
The public Christine I've created to scare people is a razor sharp, hawk eyed, vocal, opinioned, boiterous territorial veteran of life's battles. The private me is alot softer, fluid, nuturing and actually kind of quiet and intropective. I've been challenged since the beggining of this new decade by those close enough to me to say that they quite frankly are sick and tired of watching me fake my way thru life (Yes, Jaime F. and Denis said it that clearly)
So I've tried to make a real effort to be more genuine with those I feel I can trust, but it is hard partly because my relationship with them is based on the public version of me and they don't what to say when I'm not making rude and yet all to true comments about everything going on around us.
In the middle of this little authenisity quest, has been my new friendship with the furniture man, aka kitchen guy. He doesn't have a decade of history with me to unravel so I tried from the beggining to be myself. I still lose it when he says the words "Walmart or "Stephen Harper", but I don't make myself tougher than I really am. I'm trying out little things, like I don't actively manipulate our conversations so he tells me all his secrets, thus making him more vulnerable than me. I let myself giggle when things are funny and and when we do something together I don't spend more time later analysing it than we did doing it.
He doesn't even know that he's getting a back pass to the Christine Regnier-Gaudet show.
The really weird thing for me is how much I can tell he genuinely likes the person he sees, even if I'm not perfectly comfortable and confident and sometimes I turn my face away because I don't know what to say.
It feels so good not to spend so much energy on trying to be someone I'm really not.
posted by Christine R.G. at 12:30 AM
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