back again

my grandfather died in my presence. he called andsked me and my sister to come for a visit. We weren't ther ten minutes and he died.

i haven't been able to write seen then.

I have never been loved by anyone the way he loved me and I will miss him forever.

But now i need to get back to myself. I feel so lost these days.

i'm trying to figure out if I should try to get together with someone I dating this summer. I wonder if Ididn't make a BIG mistake by letting him go. I'm not sure he would take me back. I just sometimes think about how good it was between us and how much I trust him. But is it a fantasy to think that we could be happy as a family? Is he really ready to stop being a workaholic bachelor? Does he love me as much as I love him? Would he ever tell me if he did? Does he trust me? Do I want him back because he has a new girlfriend :) Are we "meant" to be together? Am I prepared to have more kids at thirty? what about both our fears of commitment?

if I let things take thier own pace, will fate just take over?

How the fuck do i get answers to these and other questions?

It isn't like I don't have other interesting possible relaltionships on the go. But when I talk to him, I feel something I don't feel with anyone else.

Does he love me is a major questsion to which i don't have answer and when I was pretty sure he didn't, I realized that in fact he was pretending not to love me so i could move on. Jesus christ

the big call

My grandfather woke up from a medication induced coma this morning totally coherent. The first thing he did was ask when Nadine and I were coming. So once again my little sister and I will bundle up our five kids and drive her 1988 ford aerostar van thru the frosen prairie to face the deaath of a close realtive. this time it is worse because the man who loved and care for us a father, will be tiny and weak in his bed. and Appreetnly he is takling about Jesus alot so I don't have clue what it is going to be like.

Having him die will make Nadine and I so much more alone in the world but at the the very least we really have each other. There aren't very many people who have someone so close to them to go thru the difficulties of being an adult woman with. I feel like we both know that at the very least we have each other even if we don't really have parents.

I love her so much.

better days

I am feeling alot more energitic today. I've been having ahard time but given the events of the last week, it is hard to imagine it being any other way.

I'm actually looking forward to the rest of my day and things I have planned to do. Manuelle and I will watch medium. It has become our special mom/daughter time every week. I find to so funny that we both like the same tv show. I also love that Manuelle gets so exicted about it.

I'm really working hard on my relationship with her. I know that things are somethings pretty rocky between us but I going to try and focaus on the tings tht we both love to do. I'm also starting to cave on things that aren't life threateningly importatn but that meant alot to her. For example I bought meat today for her since she loves meat and I never make it because I'm a vegetarian. I'm sure it will make her happy and she will feel so special.

I always kept her at arms lenght because I worried that I would hurt like mom hurt me. But she really needs me right now and as her mother I hope it is never to late.

over-thinking

I was "caught" over thinking again, thanks to the obersevations of a younger pull no punches sister.

She said "How come even though everything is awesome for you right now you are asking me what you should do about it?"

I guess Im doing it again, overanalysing. this is what I do, some how I'm not sure how to stop. I drive other people crazy with this stuff (mostly the people who get caught in the web of me analysing them)

And I make myself doubt all my instincts. I do this mostly when I'm stressed (My dad is in town right now)

I need to focus on the fact that I feel good when I do and not think about ways to make it stop because I'm not used to it.

I think this also happens when I'm not getting enough exercise.

and that note I think I'll go for a run.

feeling guilty and then again maybe not feeling that guilty

I feel so guilty now that i've admitted that I care about the kitchen guy. I feel guilty because I know that it hurts David. I feel like because he loves me so much, i shouldn't give any patr of myself to someelse even if we aren't married anymore and it is only friendship.b I feel guitly whenI spend time with the furniture guy doing things that David would enjoy doing with me, liking going to to the Mendel and looking at books about Georgia Okeefe. I feel guilty commenting on his artwork when DAvid is the one who taught me everything i know about art and art theory.

At the same time, I am my own person and we both made choices that got us to this place. I can't live in plastic wrap in an emotional fridge, saving myself for David.

And besides anyone who knows me knows that there lots of me to go around :)

nothing to lose

Today, the furniture man aka kitchen guy hit a deer on the freeway and then hit a wall. His multi-colored volkswagon golf was totalled and luckily he walked way with a just few bruises.

It is an overused clique, but I was reminded once again that we don't live forever. That we don't live long enough to play it safe all the time. The day I met him, I was open enough to the universe to smile and say hi. I didn't know then we are both thirty, have daughters the same age, grew up in PA, are surviving marital breakdowns and even share a set of third cousins. I would never have guessed that a self described woodworker/motorhead/metallica enthousist and an intellectual/vegetarian/pedestrian could become friends.

When he described hitting the sliding off the road, my heart rose in my throat. I was gently surprised by how much I have grown to appreciate his daily calls from the lunch room, meeting at the Roastery, talking laughing and drinking coffee, complaining to each other about our ex's. How I needed someone who simply likes me, thinks I'm awesome and tells me that alot but doesn't expect the moon in return.

We made a deal on day one, neither of us is in a place where we can afford to get too close or involved. I thought I was doing well in practing my detachement until I visualized him getting out of his damaged car and walking home alone in the dark on his 31 th birthday. I couldn't admonish him for not calling me to pick him up, we were to remain completely independant, that was our agreement. That deal was going to keep us safe from get hurt.

The deal didn't keep him safe from a car crash. And didn't keep me wanting to reach thru the phone and put both arms around him.

I'll have wait until tommorow to do just that. Even if caring about each other wasn't part of our deal.

more death

My first cousin, Deshae died at home this morning. No one knows why because she simply collasped and hadn't even been sick. She was only three years old. My daughter Soleil is the same age as her.

It is all too horrible for words. My uncle is a very devoted father and a very senstive man. this could kill him.

last nights dreams

I had a migraine before I went to sleep last night. It's still lingering this morning. When I get a migraine it is my body's way of saying, something isn't not right. I'm noteating well for my diabetis or '[m not exericing or I'm stressed and my hormones are not right. In this case I think it is likely alll of the above.

I took this as an oppurtunity to look inside myself and see what is happening with me on several levels. I went to bed early and dreamnt all night long. One of these dreams spoke volumes about my worries.

I haven't worked since april and I left work because I couldn't handle the risk in my jobs and the extremely toxic work environment. Two years prior to that I had been threatened with a knife by a very distraught client. Ny supervisor and some of my co-workers left that I made too big a deal about the experience.

Lat night I dreamnt that I was working at Shoppers Drug Mart and was held up at with exacto knives by two men . And when they left for no reason, one of the men stabbed my in the ribs.

I hadn't realized how much that experince still haunts me and that maybe part of my stress about finding a new job is that I am still traumatized by experiences at the YWCA of Saskatoon.