a short one since I can't sleep anyway

My grandafather is in a nursing home in PA right now struggling to breathe. He helped raise me and is the main reason that I have any ability to trust men at all.

I feel so alone. I could have gotten laid tonight (a couple of times), but didn't even bother because it probably would have made me feel worse. (thanks for the offer anyway :)

Sometimes I lay in bed and think about paths not taken. I wish I wasn't so afraid to live. I know my fear is paralysing me. There is someone I could love that I keep as far away from me as possible because we both refuse to take the risk. instead I amuse myself with involvments that I know can't go any where but at least they can't break my heart.