back again

my grandfather died in my presence. he called andsked me and my sister to come for a visit. We weren't ther ten minutes and he died.

i haven't been able to write seen then.

I have never been loved by anyone the way he loved me and I will miss him forever.

But now i need to get back to myself. I feel so lost these days.

i'm trying to figure out if I should try to get together with someone I dating this summer. I wonder if Ididn't make a BIG mistake by letting him go. I'm not sure he would take me back. I just sometimes think about how good it was between us and how much I trust him. But is it a fantasy to think that we could be happy as a family? Is he really ready to stop being a workaholic bachelor? Does he love me as much as I love him? Would he ever tell me if he did? Does he trust me? Do I want him back because he has a new girlfriend :) Are we "meant" to be together? Am I prepared to have more kids at thirty? what about both our fears of commitment?

if I let things take thier own pace, will fate just take over?

How the fuck do i get answers to these and other questions?

It isn't like I don't have other interesting possible relaltionships on the go. But when I talk to him, I feel something I don't feel with anyone else.

Does he love me is a major questsion to which i don't have answer and when I was pretty sure he didn't, I realized that in fact he was pretending not to love me so i could move on. Jesus christ